The Guide To Fiction Writing
by Arii-hime
Summary: New to the GAFFN fandom? Having problems with your fics and don't know how to fix them? Want tips to improve your stories?  No problem! With this simple guide, you'll be pro in no time.
1. Guide

I know there are about a gazillion of these out there, but I couldn't help myself. My writing impulses are too difficult to resist.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gakuen Alice. And if I wasn't the person I am then I wouldn't want to own this piece of _ohGodhelpusall_ either.

**NOTE:** This was made for the sole purpose of comedy. Please, PLEASE don't take anything in here seriously because chances are you will make a VERY terrible story and get flamed to hell. Which I don't want to be responsible for because all of this crappy advice is a joke.

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><p><em><strong>The Guide To Fic Writing<strong>_

-;-_**  
><strong>_

New to FFN? Having problems coming up with ideas? Just can't get your story to flow right? Is the end result just not to your liking? Or do you just want tips on how to make your stories a million times better? Whatever your motives for reading this are, this guide will definitely help you improve your writing and turn you into one of the best GAFFN writers on this site! Just follow these fifteen simple steps and before you know it, you'll be a pro.

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><p><strong>I. Give your fic a really stupid title. Bonus if it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot.<strong>

"Eating Crab Paste"

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><p><strong>II. Crappy summaries arouse curiosity. Make one.<strong>

Mikan wants to go to Central Town to buy Howalon. Oh wait no, she wants sex from everyone lol. omg whatever just read it asdfjkl;

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><p><strong>III. Start your fic by having a long, drawn out and idiotic conversation between you and the characters. Then "forget" your disclaimer.<strong>

OMG haiiii!11!1! I'm Author-chan desu ne~! Thanks for clicking on my fic and I hope you enjoy it ne? x3  
>Tono: EY. WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS PIECE OF CRAP.<br>Author-chan: Ohmigosh it's Tono-sempai! HAIII TONO-SEMPAI! I LOVE YOU.  
>Natsume: Ew. Old man.<br>Author-chan: Nooo Natsume-kun! Don't be mean to Tono-sempai! T^T  
>Hotaru: Who the hell is this moron...<br>Author-chan: Ehmagawd Hotaru-chan! I love yew too~  
>Mikan: WHAT? YOU DON'T LOVE ME HOTARU?<br>Hotaru: I never said I loved this retard anyways.  
>Author-chan: Wahhh, Hotaru-chan you're so cold and heartless!1!11<br>Ruka: ...Uh, can we just get on with this?  
>Natsume: Yeah, all this dimwit talk is making me sick.<br>Author-chan desu: OMG are you gunna barf? I've got a barf bag...in my shirt, tee-hee~  
>Everyone except Author-chan: ...<br>Ruka: Just start the story please.  
>Author-chan: Okay I will Ruka-kun! Hee-hee~<br>Mikan: ...But Author-chan, you forgot the disclai—  
>Author-chan: SHUT IT. No one cares about disclaimers anyways, they won't notice if this one is missing.<br>Hotaru: Shut up and write. Now.

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><p><strong>IV. Take a million years (apiece, if you wish) to describe what everyone's wearingwhat they're doing/where they're going.**

So Misaki and Tsubasa were going on their 1000th anniversary date which was celebrated on the 6th of each month because that's the day they got together so yeah. It's kewl to celebrate that day in each month rather than that one day every year because old people do that. So they decided to go to this one restaurant in Central Town and Misaki was looking _sooooo_ pretty. Her hair was up in a ponytail with some loose strands hanging down over her face and she had on a dark blue denim jacket with a little glittery star charm on the zipper and a striped black and white tank top underneath. To complete the already _supermegaawesome_ look she had on a white miniskirt with a lacy fringe at the bottom and lavendar platform sandals. It was so freaking hot.

Of course Tsubasa was completing her look nicely by standing by her side in a loose black T-shirt with an awesome design on it that consisted of chains, skulls and every color of the freaking rainbow. He had on dark jeans that were slightly faded with a couple of tears in them, but on him it looked really really sexy and cool. His hair was, as usual, slightly messy under his usual black cap. _Soooo_ freaking awesome and hot.

They walked into the restaurant and had a really nice anniversary dinner. LOL the end.

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><p><strong>V. Put all of the attention on your two main characters and only make someone else talk once in awhile.<strong>

"You almost hit me with your car," Natsume deadpanned.

Mikan glared at him. "I did not 'almost' hit you with my car. I was driving and you simply didn't make it to the other side of the street fast enough. Luckily I have some degree of selflessness."

"So what are you trying to hint at now?"

"Oh, nothing. Definitely not a _certain time_ when you almost got me _killed_ by the elementary kids' school bus because you decided to pick a fight right in the middle of the street, then walk away when you _knew_ the bus was coming—"

"If you were smarter and more attentive, you would have seen it coming."

"And if you were considerate, you would have warned me!"

"It wasn't the right time because we were _arguing_."

"Does it matter? Are you trying to say you _wanted_ me to get hit—"

"You guys, there are other people in this scene you know..." Ruka sweatdropped.

"Shut up, Ruka," they both said in unison. Then they continued to argue.

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><p><strong>VI. Have an epic fail plot, and right at the best part of the fic make an even more epic fail plot twist.<strong>

The AAO infiltrated the school one day because they were bored and couldn't come up with any new schemes for other things they could be destroying. They kidnapped half of the student body and were just about to make their escape when the ESP set off the various bombs he had placed around the school just in case something like this happened. Unfortunately no one could make it out in time so they all died and met each other in heaven. Well, not EVERYONE, seeing as SOME PEOPLE _*cough*_ went to hell. Then they all continued on with their regular lives except it was much easier because, come on. It's heaven.

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><p><strong>VII. Lots of swearing just shows how OOC you can make everyone and still have an awesome fic. Speaking of which, make everyone OOC too. It's kewl.<strong>

"OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M PREGNANT!" Takahashi screeched. Everyone panicked until they stopped and actually thought about how fucking ILLOGICAL that sounded.

"Takahashi, how the hell can you get pregnant if you're a damn metallic, rock-solid, ugly piece of shit?" Nonoko asked. "You couldn't even find another robot who'd even wanna fucking touch you!"

"Yeah well that's the thing," Takahashi admitted. "I was actually built to be a sex robot but whoever was building me messed up and just decided to abandon me here and I didn't find out till now—and who're you calling a piece of shit? You damn brat!" Takahashi chased Nonoko around the entire school until they both got hit by that retarded ass bus that looks like a giant dog.

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><p><strong>VIII. An author's note for every two sentences does not mean you're obnoxious andor stupid. Neither does mixing Japanese and English.**

Ruka was sitting on the rooftop with his eagle on his shoulder, reminiscing on his time at Gakuen Alice. He realized just how messed up the Gakuen really was, and how he couldn't wait to get away. (**A/N:** OMG, isn't Ruka sexyyy? Especially on a rooftop, LOL. Yum-yum. Shotacons ftw.) He especially didn't like how all of his friends suffered. Ruka hoped that one day, they all could just leave and live freely. (**A/N:** See, isn't Ruka KEWL? His dreams are so awesome. Only bakas hate him. Mmm one day his sexy bootay will belong to this hentai.)

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><p><strong>IX. Write a sex scene that will mind-rape all of the poor virgins reading it, but somehow still sucks.<strong>

_[Unfortunately the real author of this is incapable of such a thing because she lacks the willpower and/or guts, therefore she apologizes to all of the lemon fans that could possibly be reading this. Let's just pretend Koko and Sumire are totally getting it on.]_

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><p><strong>X. Then, for the lemon fans, ruin it. Horribly.<strong>

All of a sudden Sumire's hair fell off except it actually wasn't her hair. It was a wig and it turned out that Koko had actually been screwing Aoi the whole time. Koko was horrified because he stole Aoi's virginity and knew he was totally dead meat and ran away to go hang himself from the monkey bars at the playground except it turned out that Natsume didn't really care and Aoi wasn't a virgin anyways because she did it with Ruka's pet rabbit. LOL SURPRISE!

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><p><strong>XI. Use text-talk, bad grammar and random flashbacks. It's hilarious.<strong>

"OMG guys, did u no that Hotaru lieks Ruka?" Mikan announced to her class on this one day of da week.

Hotaru shot Mikan with her totally aweschum Baka Gun ver. 100000000000000.1. "WTF, u weren't supposed 2 tell any1!" she growled. Mikan flew into the wall and broke it. Then Hotaru sat down and ate crab paste and blackmailed Ruka.

"Hotaru is liek so mean, desu!" Mikan whined loudly. "But I still luv her so whut?"

_FLASHBACK_

"Mom it's totally okai, I have a bunch of real nice memories so thx," Hotaru told her weeping mother. "You can just stop running away & send me 2 these mofos at whateva this Academy is so I can go thar and kick ass. Yeah."

_END OF FLASHBACK_

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><p><strong>XII. Stupid (emphasis on the <em>stupid<em>, because some are actually cool) OCs are not annoying and do not prove to be self-inserts to pair you up with the people you like, so it's okay to make some up.**

"Hi, my name is Lucinda Popouragati Xolital To El Renearbolarhea Un Superbaka Valentyne," the new student said. "I have every single Alice in the world and I'm wanted all over the country because of it. I have an IQ of 100000000 and was a super famous model until I came here. Please take care of me." Everyone totally loved the new student because she was kewl. A few years later she became every guy's girlfriend and befriended all the girls and made Alice stones for everyone in her class. All of the people who strived to be like Lucinda failed miserably.

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><p><strong>XIII. Have your characters do average, everyday things. In fact, you can make the whole fic based on your life. Or just a paragraph, whatever.<strong>

Kitsuneme woke up on the floor with bruises because he frequently falls off the bed. He told his mom he would be up in five minutes but she forced him to get up and take a shower. Then he went downstairs and ate chitlins for breakfast, then sat on the computer for an hour IMing everyone before he met Koko outside to walk to school. They met up with the rest of the gang there and made fun of teachers all day and eventually went home early because it was too hot to be in school. Except a huge food fight broke out in the lunchroom and everyone got suspended for joining in.

After that they went to McDonald's to crown Natsume as Prince Hanikami and kill Ronald McDonald. Then they crashed an Alaskan wedding.

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><p><strong>XIV. Insert a cliffhanger. Say it's the only chapter you're making. Either that or tell everyone you're going to update and then never do it.<strong>

"OMFG, who are you?" Mikan screamed at the dark figure in front of her, scrambling away in her totally awesome Converses with the cute comic designs on the sides and rainbow laces, her favorite denim skirt with the embroidered flower lifting slightly to reveal her panties, much to the delight of every single lolicon reading this. The figure paused, then stepped out of the shadows to reveal...

_TO BE CONTINUED_

**A/N:** Haha, wasn't that awesome? I know it was. Too bad I'm not making another chapter. Lalalala. jk I actually am. LOL. *100 years pass*

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><p><strong>XV. End your fic with another long conversation and then kiss ass for reviews.<strong>

Hotaru: That was the worst fic ever.  
>Author-chan: Ne, Hotaru-chama! You're so meanie-mean!<br>Mikan: I liked your story Author-chan! ^.^  
>Author-chan: Aweh, thanks Mikan-chama! ;3<br>Ruka: She's saying that because you made her.  
>Natsume: And stop saying "chama". It's fucking annoying. (Especially when it's obvious that you have no idea what it means.)<br>Author-dumbo: GASP! Meanie Natsume-kun-chama just swore at Author-chan! T-T  
>Ruka: Your story had swearing all in it though... *sweatdrop*<br>Author-n00b: But no one was swearing at Author-chan in the story! They were swearing at each other.  
>Hotaru: You're a dimwit. Quit talking in third-person.<br>Author-dimwit: WHATEVER I'M THE WRITER. I'LL JUST KILL YOU ALL. *kills* Now review you luverly peoples! :3 Pweasy-pwease! I love you all! I'll give cookies to everyone who reviews! And I'll update that fic that I said I would update 100 years ago! And write a bunch of new fics! So pwease reviewww! :3  
>Natsume: Just because you write something in between asterisks doesn't mean it's true.<br>Author-totallygotslayed: STFU

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><p>That doesn't seem so hard, does it? Now get out there and make the GAFFN fandom proud!<p>

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><p><em>...Made ya look :"D<em>

_(Conscience: *crying* Oh my God ;_; That was so horrible my brain is coming out of my ears. Someone save me. Please.)_

_~Ariisha-chan_


	2. Last page

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Gakuen Alice, I wouldn't be on FFN. Sadly.

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><p>-;-<p>

Congratulations! If you were stupid—err, _smart_ enough to read this entire guide, then you get a special gift: five extra steps on how to make your fics one-of-a-kind and so enjoyable that everyone will want to read them! Were fifteen tips not enough for you? Well, now you have twenty! You are so lucky. So. Lucky.

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><p><strong>Extra 1. Random, nonsensical crossovers make for an interesting plot. Especially if you use lots of mangaanimes (even though you're obviously only supposed to use two).**

Mikan was studying for Jinno's huge math test which was the next day when suddenly Sana Kurata jumped in through her window. They proceeded to have a singing contest while Akito Hayama and Yuki Cross did the tango to Rolling Girl. Takahashi broke the door down to tell them all to STFU but instead got thrown out the window by Soul Eater Evans while Sebastian Michealis and Ciel Phantomhive made out in the corner like the fiendish yaoi pair they are. Naruto burst through the wall because he was fighting Sasuke in the hallway and Ruka came through it riding on a stray bear he found in the Northern Woods while Shion did her insane laugh with Rena that makes even Light Yagami sniffle a bit. Then everyone got Maka-Chopped to infinity for their idiocy and impertinence while Hotaru filmed the whole thing and laughed so hard she cried like a lost little boy except she stopped instantly when the whole room got set on fire by you-know-who. LOLFAIL.

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><p><strong>Extra 2. Shipping weird pairings (and failing at it) in a weak attempt to make your fics seem different is A-OKAY!<strong>

"The thing is..." Natsume paused. "I think I love you."

Anna gasped, putting her hands over her heart. "I love you too," she said, smiling.

Then they proceeded to make out while the rest of the characters that went unmentioned looked on in horror.

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><p><strong>Extra 3. Cliché = WIN.<strong>

(We will use a common plot here, though not necessarily shown with these characters.)

Sumire and Koko met in high school.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she said.

They got married and had kids.

_The end._

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><p><strong>Extra 4. In opposition with the above statement, however, mega weird plots can score you brownie points too.<strong>

Natsume was dating Mikan when he found out that Kaoru Igarashi actually wasn't his mother because his father was secretly cheating on her while she was out working. Then he found out that his mom was actually Yuka Azumi because she and his father both got drunk at the same time and met up at a bar and performed a one-night stand in some ratty motel, and Yuka was pregnant at the time. So he and Mikan were actually SUPPOSED to be twins, but since Yuka was sorta screwing Izumi too, both their genes got fucked up and they came out fraternal. Therefore they couldn't go out anymore because that would technically be incest, and while that would be pretty freaking hot I'm actually trying to have a PLOT here.

Now on with the real story.

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><p><strong>Extra 5. Don't let a great idea go to waste! Write about it and base your plot around it...in every single new fic you write.<strong>

**_First new fic_**

"Hi, my name is Mikan," the girl said, holding her hand out to Ruka. "You're the douche who poured Nonoko's serum #10,932 all over my science project. No, I don't effing care if it was an accident. You still got me an F."

Ruka sweatdropped.

**_Second new fic_**

The basketball game temporarily paused for halftime. Sitting on the bench chugging water, Mikan squinted at a boy in the bleachers, then gasped. "Hotaru. _Hotaru_," she said, shaking her best friend hard.

Hotaru glared at her in irritation. "What do you want now?"

"That's him!" Mikan pointed at a boy in the bleachers with blond hair. "The guy who poured Nonoko's stupid serum #10,932 all over my science project! I got an F because of his stupid self!"

"Maybe it was an _accident_—?"

"I don't effing care if it was an accident. He still got me an F." She threw her arm back. "Think I could get my revenge by throwing this basketball at him?"

Hotaru smacked the basketball out of her hand. "Don't interrupt me, idiot."

**_Third new fic_**

"Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?" Mikan and Ruka's daughter, Miru, asked.

"Well..." Mikan smiled. "In eleventh grade, he poured a serum that one of my friends made all over my science project and got me an F."

Ruka looked at her wearily. "I keep telling you, it was an accident."

"I don't effing care if it was an accident. You still got me an F."

Miru stared at them both quizzically as they started to argue.

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><p>With this extra knowledge, you will definitely be a GAFFN legend! So go out and put these new ideas to work.<p>

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><p><strong>Superultrasecretdoesn'tevencountasanextra 1. Abusing bolding, italics, fail jokes (that includes political), etc. make a fic more interesting.<strong>

_[An example isn't even needed to describe this one. Pretend all you like, but simply explore the GAFFN search engine and you'll see.]_

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><p>...<em><br>_

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><p><em>I realized I forgot some other things, and it poked at me so much that I was willing to suffer through writing another chapter. I love you guys that much. Be happy.<em>

_(Okay, maybe I didn't quite SUFFER, per say. Leave me alone. I can be melodramatic if I want.)_

_There was one thing I didn't feel like adding, and that was Mary Sues and canon Sues! You gotta love those, but I didn't feel like making something up...lol. And a certain freaksauceawesome person knows who that last part was for~ (It was extremely tempting to type NATSUME NATSUME NATSUME NATSUME until he seemed more unreal than he already is.)_

_In other news, I FINALLY GOT PERSONA 3 BACK! :D WIN. (I don't recall telling the story of how it got taken away...it's a long one though.) I will play it until my eyes bleed out. Or I beat it. Whichever comes first. (But when I beat it...there's still hard mode :D)_

_Ehehe...anyways...review? :) I can't believe I wrote another chapter of this, honestly...  
><em>

_~Ariisha-chan_


	3. Final copy

Thanks to **Aertial** for the correction in the title :)

Crappy stories like this are encouraged and/or funded by Fanfiction(dot)net, Wordpad, and readers like you. Thank you.

**Disclaimer:** Me no own Gakuen Alice! (And this is for the CHAPTER ITSELF, since Author-chan "forgot" hers. Idiot.)

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><p>-;-<p>

Hai-hai neeee! Author-chan here! OMG, I can't believe this is my first real fic! I mean there were the tidbits that were used in that awesome guide, but other than that, NADA~! Oh but I got a super lame beta-reader. Some idiot named Ariisha-chan who didn't even BETA it, she just kept insulting it like the whore she is and saying it was bad. LIKE REALLY? She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's barely known and can hardly write a proper story herself. And yet people still LIKE her stuff? Losers. I hate her guts. Anyways, I'm gunna show you how a REAL fic should look~!

Hotaru: You do that, now.  
>Author-chan: YAYYY! HOTARU BELIEVES IN ME NE~<br>Hotaru: I never said that you imbecile.  
>Mikan: Hotaru ^^' Sarcasm much?<br>Author-chan: Wahhh, that's so mean Hotaru-sama! T^T Author-chan put you in her story neee~!  
>Ruka: I don't think she wanted that in the first place.<br>Author-chan: H-h-huh?  
>Natsume: I wouldn't even want to be mentioned in this piece of crap you claim is a "story".<br>Author-chan: NUUUU! HOTARU-SAMA, RUKA-SAMA AND NATSUME-SAMA ARE ALL BEING MEAN TO ME T_T  
>Mikan: I think your story's gonna be fine, Author-chan :)<br>Author-chan: Yayyy~ At least SOMEONE knows how great of a writer I am!1111!  
>Ruka: Once again...<br>Hotaru: You made her say that.  
>Author-chan: YOU KNOW WHAT, SHUT THE HELL UP. I'M STILL THE WRITER SO I CAN JUST MAKE SURE YOU ALL DIE AND I'LL STILL HAVE AN AWESOME PLOT. SO WHATTTT. *throws everyone in pit* ANYWAYS JUST IGNORE THEM AND GO READ THE EFFING STORY.<br>Ruka: You're abusing the Caps Lock and asterisks again...  
>Mikan: And you forgot your disclaimer again...<br>Author-chan: Go die in quicksand. All of you.

-;-

Tsubasa: QUICK RUN WHILE SHE'S NOT LOOKING. THIS STORY IS CRAP AND WILL ONLY EVER BE SO. READING BEYOND THIS POINT MAY CAUSE YOU PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE AND ETERNAL SCARRING AS WELL AS EYE CANCER.

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><p>-;-<p>

**_My Super Epic Story That Comes In Short Sequences_** by Author-chan

**Summary:** My first ficcy~! Yeshhh? x3 Anyways, an average day adventure at GA~ READ IT I'M BEGGING YOU.

**Inspiration:** That really cool guide that I used as an example for this fic, which is why it's gunna be perfect! :D

-;-

—

It was a lovely day at Alice Gakuen, just as lovely as yesterday, the day before yesterday, last week, last month, last year and the last decade had been. The sky was blue, the sun was streaming through the clouds that were fat, puffy and purely white, and...

"TSU~BA~SA!"

...everyone was happeh.

"Don't come any closer!" Tsubasa backed away quickly from his _kindagaybutwon'tadmitit_ classmate, Rui Amane, who ran up to him with open arms. "Whaddaya want? You're ruining my rep here!"

"How mean!" Rui pouted, then smiled a wide, happy smile. "I just wanted to let you know..."

Tsubasa imagined all sorts of wonderful things: that he didn't have a massive crush on him anymore and liked someone else, that he was actually a girl and that's why s/he liked guys, that he was becoming straight...

"...that I'm pregnant."

_Eh._

Rui started fidgetting adorably as he explained to Tsubasa's stone figure, "Well, I kinda realized last night how much I truly, madly, _DEEPLY_ adore you, so I, ah...I kinda raped you in your sleep—" "_WHAT?_" "—and got myself pregnant by you." He giggled. "We're gonna have children together!"

And so Tsubasa ran for the mountains.

-;-

"Y-you see, sensei, the truth is...I love you!"

Hii-sama looked down at Hosshan in disgust. "Get out of here, I only like girls," she said. "And didn't you lose your Alice in the 76th chapter or something (the only time you appeared LOL)?"

"Y-yeah, but I snuck back in so I could see you..." Hosshan looked down in embarrassment. "You see, I did so much for you! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?"

"I just _told_ you. And I'll be dead before you even turn 15, which was very painful to admit so get out of here before I kill you in my rage." Hii-sama flipped open her fan in an ominous manner.

"I'M TELLING MY MOM!" Hosshan ran out crying and immediately got arrested by the Fuukitai and taken to a forever detention center for "trespassing on school property".

-;-

"_UGH_! I _hate_ you, Natsume! Why do you have to be such an asstard?"

Honestly, Natsume did not know how this was happening. Approximately five seconds ago he and Mikan had been walking through Central Town very, very normally like nothing was wrong, and now she was yelling at him and calling him inappropriate names that are really not suitable for children's ears.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Is there something about the way I walk or something?" he asked, calm as ever. Hyuugas _never_ lose their cool. Openly, that is.

"..."

"...Hm?"

"...I honestly don't know!" Mikan finally shouted. "All I know is that I hate you right now and I wish you'd fall in a bottomless pit."

"Gee, I'm touched," he said sarcastically. Mikan's cheeks puffed up and she turned red.

"Well, now I have a reason to hate you!" she yelled, walking backwards into the street. "So now I'm not pointlessly angry just to create angst and some form of a plot here! You're, like, the biggest asstard in the world. Even the ESP is less of an asstard than you. In fact, I think—" A big yellow bus with a dead dog strapped to the front came speeding down the street, but she didn't notice. "—that we should just—"

The good, honest Natsume told him to warn her.

Unfortunately the not-quite-nice, other-side-of-the-rainbow Natsume won out.

-;-

"...Fuck."

Ruka looked at Anna like she had just sniffed meth during Math for two reasons: one, because she had just inaccurately (but nonetheless) finished the statement from the above paragraph. And two, because she really just did.

"What are you doing?" Ruka hissed at her. "I could see sniffing meth during Biology or something to drown out Misaki-sensei, but why Math of all classes?" Then he paused. "And why are you swearing?"

"I'm high, an' I can, pyon pyon," she slurred. Then she screamed, "_Oh my god_! The rabbits! They burn! _THEY BURN_!"

Everyone's heads snapped towards them, and Ruka not-so-subtly kicked Anna's chair, but she kept screaming hysterically.

"_OH MY GOD IT'S A SEIZURE_! They're melting and hanging each other and it _HURTSSS—_"

"Umenomiya." Jinno was in front of Anna's desk in an instant. "Is there something you'd like to share with us?" His wand began to spark, but instantly stopped when Anna pointed at him and screamed, "It's the rapist monkey! The rapist monkey wants my virginity! And my animal crackers!"

The room went silent. Then there was a snigger. A giggle. And pretty soon, the whole room was full of shouting and hoots and never-ending laughter.

Jinno shocked Anna with his wand and she fell on the floor and was silent. Everyone went quiet faster than you could say the word after this word. Jinno turned to the class and said, "Now all of you—"

"_He's got me! His monkey fingers are coursing through my organs and he's stealing my preciousness!_"

Anna was now writhing on the floor in a very not-pretty suggestive way, and the noise started up again. "_You can't have them! Not the crackers! No!_ _Noooooooo..._" She then passed out with her mouth open, her skirt unbuttoned and her shirt hitched up under her chest.

And no ideas for a good ending came to mind, so let's pretend everyone got detention until they graduated.

-;-

"Okay we got our yaoi but I think we need some yuri," Tono explained. "Sooooo...everyone strip and make out with each other."

All of the elementary school girls stood there and stared at him.

"...What?"

"But we already _got_ some yuri," Unnamed Female Character 1 whined. "Hii-sama already said something related to that earlier!"

"That? Psh, it wasn't even a scene," Tono scoffed. "It was just her trying to get Hosshan off her back. We've been having problems with random unimportant characters trying to make themselves important lately. Besides," He motioned to all of the girls with a smile. "First two girls with the best scene get to date me!"

So all of the Unnamed Female Characters rushed to obey him, since screwing him would probably make themselves Named and they would get an actually good part in this. What they didn't know is that this is pedophilism and Tono was filming the whole thing to watch later because he's a pervy bastard. Okay let's go somewhere else. I'm not finishing this.

-;-

**ELSEWHERE**

"I'm sorry, but the surgery failed. She died," the doctor informed Natsume.

"NOOOOOO!" Natsume dropped to his knees on the floor and cried.

"We're bringing over the morgue guys and calling her parents so they can plan a funeral for her. Sorry kid." The doctor left.

-;-

"Did you tell him?" the nurse asked.

"Yeah. But actually," the doctor admitted, "the surgery didn't fail. We planned to do it tomorrow but she didn't even live an hour LOL. We just lied to him to make him feel better about it."

The nurse narrowed her eyes, then shrugged and snorted, "Obviously he doesn't feel better about it if he's still holding her corpse in a dramatic, angst-filled fashion."

"It's okay. The rigor mortis will make him want to leave soon. Now, WHO WANTS SOME COFFEE?"

-;-

"Hey Natsume, I know what'll cheer you up," Koko said cheerfully. "Okay, why did Mikan cross the road?"

Natsume looked up.

"_To get hit by a bus_! Ahahaha—"

-;-

**Here Lies Kokoroyomi**

**19XX - 2011**

_He will be missed_

-;-

"It's irritating how this is the first appearance I've made and I'm one of the most important characters in the series." Hotaru stomped into the classroom and sat down at her seat, whipping out a book and flipping it open placidly. "And Rui gets pregnant by Shadow through unnamed but probably extremely inappropriate manners, my best friend gets hit by a bus and no one tells me, Anna becomes addicted to meth that makes her see rabbits and rapist monkeys that steal animal crackers, Hosshan goes to a forever detention center, Tono becomes a mega pedo, Natsume kills Koko—hey, why is there no real character development here?"

"Because dis is crack, sista." Ruka strutted into the room cooly and sat beside Hotaru, putting his arm around her.

"Nogi. What the freak." (Sound familiar?)

"I'm hangin' with my bitch. Which is you, by the way." Ruka put his feet up on the desk. Hotaru raised an eyebrow. "And my name ain't Nogi anymore. From now on, you're gonna call me Slim Shady, 'cause dat's my name and I'm totally kewl like that and—okay, I can't do this man. Please put the gun away. _Please_. I take it back. You're not my bitch. I'm your bitch. Okay?"

"That's more like it." Satisfied, Hotaru went back to her book and Ruka hung his head low. "By the way, aren't you supposed to be in detention?"

-;-

"MY BOYFRIEND WAS MURDERED!"

Everyone turned as Sumire Shouda ran into the classroom frantically.

"I didn't know Cocaine was your boyfriend, Slim Shady-san," Anna said, cocking her head to the side. She was still sort of high from the meth.

"WELL HE WAS. UNTIL HE WAS KILLED. TELL ME WHO DID IT SO I CAN RIP THEIR INTESTINES OUT AND HANG THEM UP AS CHRISTMAS ORNA—"

"Chill, Shouda," Mochu said, holding his hands up. "He brought it on himself." Sumire popped a vein at that, but Mochu didn't notice as he went on, "Apparently Sakura-san got hit by a bus earlier because of Natsume—" _Slide._ "—and Koko made a joke about it to him that went something like, 'Why did Mika—' "

-;-

**Here Lies Mochiage**

**19XX - 2011**

_He will be missed_

"You guys didn't have to double-team him..."

-;-

"Yaknow, dis story is turnin out real bad," Kitsu said, shakin his head.

"Yeah," agreed Unnamed Male Character 1 in a kewl way. "Zee only thing that could make dis worse is—"

_TO BE CONTINUED_

(**A/N**: Actually I lied. The story ends right here because Godzilla came and atomic-fire-breathed the Academy so they all got an incurable cancer from the radiation, mutated and died in agony. Everyone went to heaven except the people the readers dislike. LOL SURPRISE!)

_SO ACTUALLY IT'S **THE END**_

-;-

* * *

><p>Everyone: ...<br>Author-chan: See, that story was amazing wasn't it~? x3  
>Mikan: I got hit by a bus and died...<br>Hotaru: At least you weren't around for the last part. Sheesh.  
>Author-chan: The part with the bus was to up the angst level! And the end of the story added humor~<br>Koko: I wouldn't make a joke like that if Sakura-san died! *shudder* I wouldn't even THINK about making one...  
>Natsume: You'd better not.<br>Koko: Yeah, that's the reason why I WOULDN'T.  
>Author-chan: Oh, boo~! =3= You guys are no fun!<br>Ruka: People dying isn't fun.  
>Koko: And neither is yaoi and yuri. *coughespeciallyifyou'rehomophobiccough*<br>Author-chan: How biased! -_- Why do you guys suck so much?  
>Natsume: You make us suck.<br>Mikan: On a different topic, could the title you picked even fit?  
>Author-chan: Of course it could~! <em>(<em>**REAL A/N**_: The limit for a title on FFN is about 50 characters. And that's with no spaces, just letters.)_  
>Hotaru: We could always just call it <em>A Really Sucky Story<em> for short.  
>Author-chan: WAHHH THAT'S SO MEAN! T^T<br>Koko: You deserve it you psychopath!  
>Author-chan: YOU KNOW WHAT? You all can just die because idgaf about any of you. HOW ABOUT THAT? *sets everyone on fire* Anyways, everyone review as much as joo can! :3 Pretty-please! I'll give you (burnt) cyber cookies and write even more! And I'll finish those two stories that I said I was going to finish but didn't! And I'll make a part two for this one with only a little bit of angst but lots of laughs! So please review review review~!<br>Natsume: You seem to have forgotten the fact that I can manipulate fire.  
>Author-chan: ...<p>

-;-

(So everyone lived and threw Author-chan in a dungeon where she starved to death or something.)

_**THE REAL ACTUAL END.**_

* * *

><p><em>...Yup, definitely the last chapter.<em>

_Okay I know I dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile now, and you're wondering why I would update THIS of all things when I finally come back, and here is my answer: because I'm kewl._

_Also, I know most of these aren't examples from the actual guide, but that was sort of the point because this was just stupid crack. Pardon me if I forgot anyone (although that's pretty good for them :D). And before you comment, YES, Natsume would NOT have let Mikan get hit by a bus, but it was funny. Plus this is crack. Operative word: CRACK._

_Speaking of Natsume, I read chapter 153. Last page: I see Natsume in epic sexy flame-in-palm jumping position that could possibly mean death for anyone below. That's pretty freakin' hawt, no pun intended. /innerfangirl_

_Anyways...yeah. When you review, please type "THIS SUCKS!" somewhere in your comment and highlight all of the worst points of this story, because I'm sure everyone suffered immensely. For the lulz and evulz._

_Arii's missed you all though :) And oh yeah. Don't do meth. Seriously. That's not kewl at all._

_~Ariisha-chan_


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